Earth, Air, Fire and Custard by Tom Holt

Author:Tom Holt [HOLT, TOM]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: Fiction / Fantasy - Contemporary, Fiction / Humorous, Fiction / Satire
Publisher: Orbit
Published: 2012-09-03T16:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER NINE

‘Ot the ell,’ Paul tried to shout, ‘id you oo at for?’ Slight pause, while Sophie translated. ‘I’ve sent an e-mail to Mr Tanner,’ she said blithely. ‘You see, I think I’ve figured out where we are. If this is really a different dimension, it’s got to be the artificial one that Professor Van Spee made for himself. I’ve been working with him, you see, ever since you died - whatever. Anyway, he told me about it, it’s how all his inventions work. And the thing is, although you can’t get backwards and forwards you know, like physically, it’s possible to send an e-mail, because theoretically it’s all the same dimension, just phased differently because of the elemental resonances—’

‘Yes, but Tanner,’ Paul howled, ignoring the pain in his jaw. ‘He’s going to kill me. He thinks I murdered Ricky Wurmtoter.’

Sophie gave him her own special don’t-be-so-silly look. ‘Oh, we’ll explain all that,’ she said. ‘Like, obviously it couldn’t have been you, you wouldn’t hurt a fly. I expect he was just, what’s the expression they use, eliminating you from their enquiries—’

Behind them, the door flew open. Paul swung round to see who’d burst in, and saw someone who looked just like Ricky Wurmtoter - except that Ricky was dead, wasn’t he? But it wasn’t the new arrival’s identity that was monopolising his attention. It was the long, shiny sword he was gripping in his outstretched right hand, so that the needle-sharp point was just bending the skin slightly under Sophie’s chin.

‘Apologies for the melodrama,’ he said, and he sounded just like Ricky. ‘You - stay absolutely still.’

It was one of those occasions when ambiguity was not your friend. ‘Me?’ Paul squeaked.

‘Good Lord, no. You can move about as much as you like. Her.’

‘But—’

‘And before you make a complete arse of yourself trying to rescue her, you might like to know she just sent an e-mail to Dennis Tanner, letting him know you’re here. Hence,’ he added grimly, ‘the trace elements of distrust and downright animosity clouding my otherwise sunny disposition.’

‘I know,’ Paul said. ‘She was only trying to help.’

Sophie had been uncharacteristically quiet throughout all this; now she yelped, ‘That’s right!’ in a tiny little voice. Something about it, probably the tininess, seemed to convince Ricky that she wasn’t a threat. He pulled the sword back, and lowered it.

‘Bastard!’ Sophie screamed at him. ‘And anyway, you’re dead.’

‘So’s he,’ Ricky replied reasonably, nodding towards Paul, ‘and you’re not yelling at him.’

‘Yes, but she hit me on the jaw a few minutes ago,’ Paul couldn’t help pointing out.

‘Maybe she just doesn’t like dead people,’ Ricky suggested.

Talking of which . . . Paul didn’t have a sword handy, and he was pretty sure he didn’t pack a mean right cross like Ms Pettingell; but there was a fat, heavy-looking book on the desk a few inches from his right hand. He picked it up and threw it at Ricky’s head. Probably only sheer luck that it connected, because Paul had lousy hand/eye

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